Can Women and Men just be Friends?: Dating and The Age-Old Question

Can men and women just be friends?  That is a question that many writers, singers, and infinitely countless number of women and men and boys and girls have pondered through the ages.  It is the quintessential age-old question.  I, too, have pondered this question over the years, and my interest in gender studies and my own personal experiences in the murky waters that can be male and female friendship has led me to examine this subject one again.  Also, I have noticed that of all my blog postings, the most popular one is my first post on Word Press, “Love, rejection, and poetry (a.k.a. a heart, a wall, and vulnerability)”.  I have observed that there is an wide interest in the topic of rejection judging by the many google searches where people end up on my blog when they are looking for topics such as “love rejection poems”, “heartbreaking love poems”, “rejection poetry”, and “famous poems on rejection” (I didn’t realize that I was famous).  If you are interested in reading my post on love and rejection, then feel free to link to it here: https://julieannesmith.wordpress.com/2012/01/

Today I was reading an article in the Daily Illini online written by Tanya Trivedi on 4/24/12 entitled “Just friends or hidden desires: Cross-gender friendships not clear-cut.”  I found the article to be thought-provoking and well-written, and it caused me to re-visit this topic, ponder my personal experiences, and take action to write a blog post.  Trivedi begins her article with a quote from Oscar Wilde and then she poses some interesting questions.  Here is an excerpt:

“Centuries ago, Oscar Wilde said, “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” Can his perception of friendships between males and females still ring true in regards to sprouting relationships in the 21st century? Perhaps love, passion, enmity or worship is lurking under the illusory layer of what we think of as friendship.”

(Quoted from http://www.dailyillini.com/index.php/article/2012/04/just_friends_or_hidden_desires_crossgender_friendships_not_clear_cut)

Look deeper in to your friends personality

Look deeper in to your friends personality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My experiences in the vastly murky waters of male/female friendships (and relationships) has not always been a pleasant one.  Hence, some of my poetry.  I am definitely not a huge dater, and I actually have only dated a small number of guys in my life.  There is a long list of reasons for that, but I am sure no one here wants to read a book.  However, to give a “Julie’s condensed version”, I would say some of the reasons are:

1. My parent’s divorce scarred me, and I have various fears related to love.  I am greatly troubled by the vast number of marriages that end in divorce, and how it seems (for reasons that I do not understand) that people can have longer relationships with their favorite sweater than a committed, lasting, and emotionally healthy and stable marriage.  Pardon my bluntness.

2. I am quite independent, and I have never been one to “need a man” to be happy.  Sometimes it seems to me that many women let  their own emotional contentedness and happiness with their life rest on the fact of whether or not they have a boyfriend (or husband).  I would like to think that has never been me.

3.  I am not a fan of internet dating.  I prefer to know a guy in person.  However, with the current rise of internet dating, sometimes it seems that I am the only one not really desiring to run out and do e-harmony or Match.com.  Almost every wedding that I have attended in the last 5 years came about as the result of internet dating.  Am I missing out?  Personally, I do not think so.

4. I keep busy with my friends, family, interests, church, and (previously) my educational degrees that I attained.

5. Financial limitations, perhaps??? I was unemployed after the two companies that I worked for both closed during the Recession, and no way was my focus on dating.  Also, these days, while I am a feminist, I still think that it is beautiful for a guy to treat a girl very special on a date, as well as to pay, especially if you are first dating and the guy has initiated the date.  Call me sexist if you want to, but honestly I like that tradition and think it is quite noble and honorable.  However, often times both parties wish to date but do not have any money.  Dating doesn’t really need to involve much money, and creative and free alternatives can also be done. Personally, I am quite content with pizza (which you can cook at home) and a relaxing movie, but it can be nice to go out, too.  (Good conversation is always free, might I add).  However, if I am left to fend for myself and pay my own way (as some guys seem to prefer), then honestly I would much rather be able to afford to pay my rent and have paper towels than to go to a nice dinner at Texas Roadhouse.  Dating is not a necessity, but I will not go so far as to say dating is a luxury, either.  I also think that there are economic factors in dating that have been overlooked and heretofore have not been the focus of Sociological studies about dating.

6. I strongly prefer being friends with women to being friends with men, with a few exceptions over the years.  Those exceptions are typically  the husbands of my close female friends (or my Dad or brother), however some other exceptions that I have made over the years have led to pain and heartache, causing me to being even MORE apt to prefer friendship with women rather than men.  My heart has been hurt enough over my lifetime.  Finally, it can be hard to safeguard your heart and still be open to romantic love, which I desire.

7.  Ok, ok, maybe I am writing a book here.  So, I will end this list with the fact that I am picky.  Also, often the guys that I would enjoy dating do not clearly initiate, most guys seem gun-shy about using the D-word (author’s side note: which I understand, because none of us like rejection…but I totally agree with a quote from the movie When in Rome: “the passion is in the risk” or “the beauty is in the risk”), and I can be shy when I like a guy.  And, as far as being picky, I think that it is important to have an emotional connection with a guy that you would date, as well as a physical attraction.  Also, I would enjoy some common spiritual beliefs, however I have had it both ways in dating, and honestly I found it challenging both ways but for different reasons.  Finally, two of the qualities that I find most endearing in a guy are seldom found together: boldness and gentleness.  I desire to be treated tenderly and gently, and guys that have a gentle and caring personality are very attractive to me.  However, I also enjoy bold guys who are leaders, highly verbal, and “Joshua” type men (meaning Joshua from the Bible).  If I ever find a guy who has both qualities, that may be the perfect guy for me.

As far as men and women just being friends, I am coming to realize that I cannot do that topic justice in one blog post.  I will say that it is a hotly debated topic, and in my personal experience some guys that I used to be friends with have acted like they no longer wanted to be my friend after they asked me out, and I verbally told them that I did not feel that same way about them.  No one wants to hear “I just think of you as a friend”, but sometimes that is the truth and there is no romantic spark whatsoever.  I would rather be honest, but I never want to hurt anyone.  I remember a guy friend in college who I suspected liked me, but I had a boyfriend.  Almost immediately after my boyfriend and I broke up, there was an instance where the three of us were eating lunch together.  We went to part ways and my ex left first.  My guy friend at that point took the opportunity to kiss me on the forehead while I was standing there shocked and stunned, and he said, “I can do that now since you are single.”  UH, NO!  Sometimes stuff like that makes me frustrated, and at times it feels like male/female friendships (and relationships) are like buried landmines in a vast field where you walk across the field and do your best to escape without major damage to life and limb.  Alright, I am being dramatic.  It is nowhere near that complicated or harmful, but male/female friendships are challenging and pose unique issues for everyone involved.

How about you?  I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on male/female friendships.  Do you find them challenging?  How do you safeguard yourself from being hurt?  Do you even think men and women can be friends, or is it a lost cause and we are all fooling ourselves?

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A Shout Out to My Friend Christie!!!

I am attempting to try the QuickPress posting option for the first time as I sit here sipping my Cafe Escapes Milk Chocolate Hot Cocoa with immense enjoyment of the fact that I am off work today. I have a Keurig Elite Brewer, and while I am a HUGE Starbucks fan, I think that $4 or $5 for a drink there is a TAD expensive. Honestly, I like being able to brew my own cappuccinos, cocoas, and the like. Although, I must say, after I got the Keurig, I realized I really do not like coffee that much. It is more the chocolate type drinks that I love, such as mochas and hot cocoas.  I am also a fan of french vanilla and caramel cappuccinos, and one of my all-time favorite drinks is the double chocolate chip frappuchino at Starbucks (too bad I can’t make that myself!)  However, now that my local Wal-Mart carries the Grove Square brand for Keurig K-Kup Brewers, I am a much happier camper. Maybe I should have gotten a Tassimo brewer that brews more speciality drinks, but I got the Keurig Brewer. All is good. Does anyone else out in our blogosphere world have a Keurig (or Tassimo)? What is your favorite drink? Or what is your favorite Starbucks drink, if you are a Starbucks fan like me???

I love my Keurig Brewer!!!

Anyways, yes, SATURDAYS OFF WORK are one of my GREAT PLEASURES in life. After years of working two jobs and often working 6 days a week (and barely being able to get off work for friend weddings), I have such a grateful heart that I work a Monday-Friday job presently. Anyone who has even worked retail or has struggled to get by financially will understand what I am talking about.

So, I have been semi-uninspired of late to write, although I did enter a writing contest which was cool. That was interesting because you had to write a short story based on a photograph found in a specific Flicker pool. That probably was the hardest part for me, because I have never wrote that way before.  I guess I usually am inspired more from my personal life than from random photographs. But it was a good writing exercise and it is good to be writing.  (Writing is a goal for me in 2012, although my book has been on hiatus since I have been blogging and doing other pursuits as of late).

Today, the actual purpose of my post, which of course I am just getting to now, is that I want to give a SHOUT OUT to my friend Christie. She is really amazingly cool, and we have known each other for AGES. Yes, we are both in our seventies. Just kidding! (Side note: although, sometimes I am amazed when I think about how fast life flies by, and I feel it definitely seems to fly faster the older one gets). So, my good friend Christie is totally new to WordPress, and you should check out her first blog posting. I am really excited (actually, I am the one that convinced her to be on Word Press), and I want to get the word out about her blog.  I enjoy promotional communications, and it is always important to be supportive of your friends, you know?

Here is a link to Christie’s blog:
http://lostmyboots.wordpress.com/

I think you will appreciate Christie’s blog if you like Christian thoughts, a quirky sense of humor, and/or writings on life and the speed bumps along the way. She is also a talented singer (and plays guitar, as well), and her brother is producing off-beat films after graduating from film school in California.

Happy Saturday everybody!!!

Things and People Who I am Thankful for

Inspired by David Kanigan, I also decided to write a post about things and people who I am thankful for.  If you are not familiar with David Kanigan, check out his Thankful post.  I follow him, and he is always very inspiring and positive, plus he also regularly has interesting charts and cute +/or funny photos in his posts (re:  http://davidkanigan.com/2012/04/15/thankful-sunday/).

Without further ado, here are the Things and People Who I am Thankful for:

1. God.

2. Nature- our Creation is so beautiful, and I am a particular fan of the sky, ocean, beaches, sunsets, and the moon and stars.

Sunset at Ocean Beach in San Francisco. The im...

Sunset at Ocean Beach in San Francisco. The image was taken at negative low tide that happens just a few times per year. One could see how far away the ocean went back exposing the bottom. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3. My family.  I love being from a HUGE extended family.  Also, being an Aunt of my niece and nephew adds a special joy to my life.  I love being a twin, also.

4. I am thankful for my brother Kevin’s new job.  He was doing some freelance writing and finding it challenging to break into a more steady job since he graduated from college.  The economy is still weaker than I think we all would appreciate, but honestly, I am so grateful for Kevin’s new job (IN HIS FIELD) at a newspaper.

5.  I am thankful for WordPress.

6. Taco Bell. And Starbucks. LOL.

Taco Bell

Taco Bell (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

7. Redbox free promo code that they sent me by text today.

8.  I am thankful for my friend, Amber.  She fixed a maintenance issue in my apartment that was incredibly frustrating, and it was stretching out into almost a week.  I shouldn’t have to beg for maintenance, and I think I disagree with my landlord about what constitutes a maintenance priority (or border-line emergency).  So, kudos to my friend Amber.

9. Music.  Sometimes when I am riding in the car with friends and family, and they are driving without music, then I ask them to turn on the radio.  Seriously, I can’t imagine a world without music- it would be a dull world, indeed.  Music brings color to life.

10. Art.

11. I am thankful that my work blessed all of our front office staff this past Friday by giving us the afternoon off to go celebrate Office Support Professional Day a bit early.  I went to a nice restaurant that I normally could not afford (they donated money for us!), and we saw a movie.  I got popcorn, too (movie theatre popcorn is the best).  Also,  THREE of our Deans in the academic program where I work even volunteered to cover the front desk, so we could be off.  Is that cool, or what?

12. I am thankful for the new building for my church.  Last year, right before Thanksgiving, my church caught on fire.  Actually, the investigators said the fire appeared to be arson.  It was a horrible time, and we were displaced for about the last four months and meeting in a hotel.  We couldn’t have almost any of our normal church activities, and we lost all our of children’s ministry toys and items due to smoke damage due to the fire.  But, the awesome part of the story is that my church recently purchased a building (we had been renting the church building where the fire was and sharing it with another church).  Now, while we often have yellow construction tape at various places in our building and work is still in progress while we meet there, however, it is coming along.  It is a fixer-upper, but the building is our’s.  We even have some pretty flowers planted outside.  It has been a long road, but things are finally looking up.

13. Spring.

14. My new iPhone.  It is really cool.

Leave a comment.  I want to know what are you thankful for???